Dear Dear-Heart

The following letter began as one of those exercises where you write out all the things you want to say but feel like you can't or shouldn't for some reason. However, these words apply to many more than the one I initially had in mind. May they be an encouragement to you:

Dear Dear-Heart,

Here I am again, writing a letter that you will likely never read. Right now you’re probably watching (insert game, show or movie of choice), kicking back with (friend 1) and (friend 2), and drinking a couple (insert beverage of choice). I hope you’ve been able to rest this weekend. This morning in church we had a guest speaker, Steve Timmis. He’s British, and he even had a pocket watch! He spoke of James Bond, individualism, necessary community, and what it means to be a real man. I deeply wish that you had been there to hear it.

                You see, he talked of how James Bond is held as this hero, and how we tend to hold being disconnected and isolated, not needing anyone or able to be impacted by anyone, as a sign of maturity. But Dear-Heart, it is not maturity; it is simply fear. A lot of times we think of our humanity as a weakness, and our emotions as deficiencies. We think that whatever success we have or growth that happens within in us is in spite of those things, but it is not. Humanity and emotions are largely what God uses to grow us and shape us, and bless others through us.

                We were made to be in real community. The kind where the people we interact with know us for who we are. We don’t cover our imperfections or shortcomings, and we build bridges to one another rather than building up walls. You don’t have to be afraid. God made us (humans) to be in community. We need each other. We need to allow ourselves to need each other. Let your walls down. I know you built them because you thought they’d keep you safe, but they’re keeping out everyone, and it will really only leave you afraid, lonely and disconnected.

                You were born to be a man of great strength, honor, wisdom, conviction, passion, justice, kindness, goodness, love, mercy and humility. You were born to be a man of God. You cannot have great strength or anything good of your own accord. As a human being, made in the image of God, you were created to reflect. But like the moon’s glow is entirely from the sun, so your glory comes entirely from the Son, from God.

               You don’t have to be strong or bold or good or wise, athletic, handsome, or clever enough. God uses the weak to lead the strong. You keep going out looking for a good time, but are you really content with that? Are you content with staying where you are, refusing to let anyone come closer because then you couldn’t control everything?

              Relationships, any kind, are going to be messy, hard, and uncomfortable. Don’t waste your life trying to remain comfortable and just have a good time. I know you are hating these words because you know, somewhere inside you, you know that they are true. Hurt will happen, and people will let you down. But we don‘t have to be afraid of it.

                God made us to be impacted by people. He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. Please, stop running away and just trying to get by. Just let yourself be broken, and let all your walls down. There’s so much more to life than the cycle you’ve put yourself in.

                Hear me when I say that I already see and respect the strength, honor, wisdom, kindness, conviction, and all of that in you. But I can also see you are trapped by your own fear. You want to love freely, but you don’t really know how to. You want to communicate, but it’s just easier not to try, and to avoid working through things that are complicated, and require vulnerability. You don’t have to be afraid of wherever you might fall short on any scale. The only one that really matters is where you stand before God. And yes, we all fall short of the glory of God. We are broken and incapable of reaching God or restoring ourselves. We know in the deepest part of us that we want more than anything this world can offer. Yet, because we cannot grab hold of it and control it, we settle for what we can see and what we can feel like we can control. But get this: God didn’t send his Son into the world to condemn it, but in order that the world might be saved through Him. Jesus lived the perfect life. He never fell short. He never broke a commandment, was never selfish, never arrogant, never lusted or lied. He never stole, and He never deceived. He was never lazy or manipulative. He never held any grudges. He always had the right view and attitude towards other people. He always knew when to rest, play and work in perfect balance.

                When I see pictures of you, my heart smiles and aches at the same time. I love seeing pictures of you, and simply being reminded that you exist. My heart breaks a little as I see the bags under your eyes. Just from the picture I can start to feel how tired you are. I long for you to be deeply refreshed. The kind of refreshment that you feel in the deepest parts of your soul—that refreshment that leads to unspeakable joy. Yes, Dear-Heart, this is what I want for you.

                But how can I possibly speak of such joy after acknowledging that we are desperately broken, and utterly incapable of truly healing ourselves? After all, it is true that we stand condemned for every speck of our sin, separated from the God that made us to delight in Himself. How can I speak of joy when there is a death sentence before us? We have a sub. A holy substitute.

                “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…”—a bible verse that is cited often. Romans 3:23. For a really long time, I just stopped there. But Dear-Heart, there is great hope in even the rest of that sentence! The passage goes like this: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.” Jesus is our holy substitute! Dear-Heart, it gets better. “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:21) Can you imagine?! Being the righteousness of God? What?! It is a glorious truth that I have yet to comprehend.

                I’m not sure how much of this you’ve heard before. I don’t really know what you grew up believing. What I do know though, is that the only real hope that there is, is Jesus. He’s the only One that will never leave you, and never let you down. Like me, I’m sure you’ve put plenty of people up on pedestals, only to find that they don’t really deserve to be held that highly. They can’t live up to it. Dear-Heart, you put people up on pedestals because you were made to worship. The only One truly worthy of all your praise and affection is Jesus. He loves you and gave Himself for you. No one can ever love you as much as Jesus loves you. And everyone and everything else will fail you. You can’t build a pedestal high enough for Jesus.  The only One who deserves to be exalted, is He who left His throne to enter into our world of pain and frailty, took on all of our imperfection, failures and ugliness, to restore us to Himself. He made us for Himself. We chose otherwise and rebelled against Him. He conquered hell and death to bring us home. He won’t make you come, but He will always love you.

“The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”  –Tim Keller

                Dear-Heart, I long for you to know what it is to love and be loved freely. I earnestly hope that you gain some sense of God’s love for you in our interactions. There is freedom, peace, rest, joy, hope and love. I am waiting to rejoice in you realizing these things for yourself.

Most Sincerely,

Alice

Tell Me Something Good

If you think anything like me, you just sung the title of this post. If you didn't before, now you are, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, please click here. I'll wait.

Now we can move on. 

A dear friend once told me about a segment on a radio show called, "Tell Me Something Good," where, you guessed it, they share stories about good things that have happened. And then, of course, he shared a story with me about how the Lord provided in a unique way for someone. It seems like a simple enough concept,sharing good news, but it is one that I'm still trying to understand and put into practice. 

In the past few years God has taught me a lot about joy. One thing that I've learned (and continue to learn) is  that joy is something we have to fight for, and something that we have to choose. I was once told that positive and negative things, the good and the bad, are like railroad tracks. Both are always happening. Until we get to Heaven, we won't experience one entirely without the other. We have to choose and fight for joy. However, that doesn't mean keeping that joy to ourselves. We are called to rejoice all throughout scripture, and while there is a deep personally experienced joy, it is never just for us. 

"These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in processions to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival."  

-Psalm 42:4

"This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." -Psalm 118:24

"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good work makes him glad." -Proverbs 12:25

 It's no secret that the world we live in is fallen. There are a lot of really crappy things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. Sin is a real disease that has long infected our entire existence. This isn't just something that we know in the Church. We know that our world is in a deep state of desperation that only seems to worsen as time goes on. The Black Eyed Peas even re-released their song "Where is the Love" with a timely music video:

We look around and our hearts are burdened by our own sorrows, the hardships of those we know and love, and the tragedies that break people around the world. We need to be sober-minded about these things. We need to pray as desperately as the brokenness within us and around us. But we cannot allow ourselves to forget the glorious reality of joy and goodness in the process.

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." -Psalm 51:17

                 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." -Romans 12:15

So, what does sharing joy actually look like? What if people take it the wrong way? Anything I would say in response to these questions is far more eloquently put in the following article:

Your Joy Soothes Another's Grief

Tell me something good. Tell me something that will stir my affection for the LORD and to praise Him in a fresh way. Tell me, and encourage me to tell you, something good. 

How My Story is an Abortion Story

       That I know of, there are at least two women related to me that, according to society, had every right to have an abortion. If either of these women had an abortion, I would not be here. I've known for a while that my mom was in the position that many young women are today. She was in love, in college, and had a surprise pregnancy. Sure they were were serious, but how could they be ready for a child? And it wasn't like either of my parents had lovely examples to look to when it came to what a family is supposed to look like. My mom's father left when she was pretty young--left for another woman and another family. Both of my dad's parents had passed away by the time he was 13. When my mom became pregnant with me, Planned Parenthood or a similar abortion clinic could have been an easy fix for them. My mom wouldn't have had to drop out of college to finish her pregnancy, and my dad could have had at least another year to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. 

          It wasn't like my parents were in an environment that criminalized abortion or made parenting seem care-free. Where my parents lived when I was first born was a place where police sirens were constantly going off. People were selling their young daughters to be sex slaves, and their sons were practically guaranteed to be around drugs at some point. My parents could have easily chosen to abort me believing that they were keeping me from a world of real bad hurt that they were in--but they didn't. Though they grew up experiencing first hand the difficulties of raising a child in less-than-ideal circumstances, they chose to keep me. Neither of my parents have a college degree, and I was at my parents' wedding, but if you ask them, they'll tell you: they don't regret it one bit.

             The other woman that could have, and many would say should have had an abortion in my family is my great great grandmother. My father is Black, and so was my great great grandma. However, my great great grandma was raped by a White man, and my great grandma is the product of that. There are very few cases that both pro-choice and pro-life have some sort of agreement on in which abortion is viewed as less evil than others. In this case, a case not only of rape (which in and of itself is a horrible, horrible evil) but of race-related rape. Having grown up in the south and knowing our history, I've always had the general understanding that somewhere along the lines someone in my family on my dad's side at the very least, was raped. Negro women were often raped by their "Master," and were still raped after slavery was abolished by White men looking to assert their dominance while getting some sort of twisted pleasure. There are many layers of deep, deep pain wrapped up in this case of my great great grandma being impregnated by a White man raping her. I wouldn't have blamed her if she had chosen to get an abortion, but the reality is, I wouldn't have had a chance to. If she had, my great grandma would have never been born, and she would have never had my grandma, who would have never given birth to my dad.  

               Come to think of it, there is at least one more woman who could have had an abortion. My great grandma Alice. The one I'm named after. Her husband, my great grandfather on my mom's side, was abusive. Many would say it would have made sense for my great grandma Alice to abort a child she had with him as the father. But she didn't, and even though there is a great deal of pain that my great grandma and grandma have gone through, I can type these words. 

              There are a million and one facets to the conversation of abortion. Me telling you it's wrong means next to nothing if you truly think abortion is part of a woman's reproductive rights. And me telling you how abortion is killing children doesn't make anything less painful for the women that have had abortions, been shunned from the Church, or other awful situations. But I can tell you that there is hope. You may not have planned to get pregnant. I won't pretend to know the pain and conflict that you're feeling because I have never been pregnant. But I do know that you don't have to be afraid, and you don't have to choose abortion. The life growing inside of you was put there on purpose by Someone who loves you more than you can comprehend. And He loves that little child inside of you too. It's okay if you don't want to keep that baby. You shouldn't feel ashamed if you feel the need to give your baby up for adoption. There are lots of parents out there who are ready and willing to take on that responsibility for you so you don't have to, but don't disqualify the right of life to that baby growing inside of you. For you, the woman who has either had an abortion, or is considering one, or has encouraged someone else to get  one, here are some beautiful words of encouragement, and confessions from the broken hearts of those that have been a part of an abortion:
To a Woman Considering Abortion

Lecrae Confesses Abortion, Invites Others Into The Light

Beautiful Life by Trip Lee ft. V. Rose

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPpp-2VcMrA

         Let us no longer pretend that abortion is not killing babies.  We know they are killing children--all of us know.  Abortion is the Anti-Gospel. If you are one who, as I have, asks the question of "what about women's rights?", I point you to these two articles that address that question far more eloquently than I could hope to:
Why the Simple Right to Abortion is Unjust

The Truth (About Abortion) Will Set You Free 

There you have it. That is how my story is an abortion story. More accurately, how I have a story because abortions didn't happen. May God encourage or convict you however is necessary with His Truth, and may He cause you to forget anything I have said that is not Truth.
May the very real and very precious grace and peace of God be with you all.

I Am Shallow Sharon

               My name is definitely not Sharon. My name is Alice. But for the sake of this post, that is irrelevant. The picture below is from an Upworthy article (which was originally published on Waitbutwhy.com) 3 things to watch out for when you're trying to pick the right life partner. 

           This is Shallow Sharon. The article describes her as someone that "is more concerned with the on-paper description of her life partner than the inner personality beneath it. There are a bunch of boxes that she needs to have checked — things like his height, job prestige, wealth level, accomplishments, or maybe a novelty item like being foreign or having a specific talent." 

         Earlier today I was scrolling through this article on my phone, and when I got to that part, I had to catch my breath. Growing up I definitely had a list of "essential" surface-level attributes and talents. I got to college, and my list shortened and changed, and then eventually kind of went out of my radar. Now, I am, as I recently read someone describe themselves, "as single as a slice of American cheese." 

      However, as a living breathing human being, I desire a relationship. I am an entirely whole person with a specific purpose living life right now (and will not ever be waiting for my life to "begin" if/when someone comes along), BUT, dating/eventually marriage is something that I do desire. The concept that God may grant me a life of singleness is definitely a real possibility, and either way God is more than enough to satisfy me, walk with me, and carry me through this life. That is a related, but different issue.

      Back to my box-checking. Like I said, for the past year and some change, I thought of my "list" as something that was tucked away in a box in a closet somewhere that I'd pull out if I happened to need it. What I didn't realize though, is that the "shallow Sharon" mentality has still played a large role in how I view potential significant others. As I reflect on the young men I've been interested in and why I'm attracted to them, I can see some of the ugly reality of my shallowness. In that, I see that my desire to date is almost entirely about me. I want him to be like x, y, and/or z. I want him to be able to sing, play a musical instrument, be willing to watch whatever movie I want, do this or that, etc. Ultimately, what I've realized when I've looked back on guys that I've recently been attracted to is that, as "shallow Sharon" says, I love the concept of them. I want them to be whatever I imagine them to be. And that is very, very wrong. 

      Is it wrong for me to be attracted more to people that have certain hobbies or other surface level attributes? No, not necessarily. But when I get excited about someone and consider them a potential significant other more for the qualities that are on my list than who they are as a person, that is not okay in any sense of the word. 

     So I'm shallow Sharon, and I know I shouldn't be. What am I going to do? Pray that God continues to make me more like Himself. I'll pray that He gives me a vulnerable heart and a humble mind. I'll pray for Him to take captive my every thought and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). There are many more things that could be said on this issue, and some of those things may eventually come out in another post or some other fashion. There are also many others that have already written thoroughly on the subject. 

Here are two wonderful posts that hold great truths about relationships and God:

Dear, "Dear Future Husband"

Reckless Abandonment

             

The Death of a Former Friend

I know that this isn't my usual post, but I want to share it with whoever chooses to read it. Feel free to comment--I'd be happy to engage in conversation about it. If you'd like a copy of this poem, let me know, and I'll email it to you. With that, here it is:

The Death of a Former Friend

People are waking up from their comatic state;

They’re tired of the rules that you called faith. 

They got tired of waiting to see the Son—you know the One— 

that you covered up with clouds, and your pretty prayers and phrases. 

Why should they praise Him when they don’t know what His name is? 

You made Him more “accessible,” or so you made it seem,

 but you forgot the grace of God is more than we can dream. 

He spoke into reality the waters of the deep, 

and knows the name of each and every distant galaxy. 

You saw His eyes were blazing when He beckoned you to follow,

 but you watered it down, passed it around, and made the people hollow. 

The formerly faithful faded away for something more exciting; 

That’s what happens when you try to make God a little more “enticing.” 

You taught your flock to cover up the holes in their holiness, 

but all you did was hide His joy and made the people restless.

 I’d say that I would miss you, but for the sake of all humanity

 I’m praising God with all my heart, 

 for the death of cultural Christianity.

Settling into Clearwater

       As of this blog post, I've been down here in Clearwater Beach, Florida for a little less than two weeks. It doesn't feel like that though. People say that all the time, but two weeks ago I only knew some of the staff people and one student. Today, I could name any of the 46 other students and look on them as my brothers and sisters. That's a beautiful aspect of living in community with the Church. We might have some things in common, but the most important commonality among us is that we're all broken sinners that have been redeemed and are being sanctified by and for our Lord Jesus Christ.

       When I was preparing for this summer, and for the first couple of days being down here I assumed that I would be working on a pirate ship for the summer. That job was actually a huge part of my initial excitement for and consideration of attending this summer mission. Day three, we were all together in our Morning Meeting, and were establishing who'd be going out to try and get a job at where.  I didn't even consider any of the other locations. Pam's Pirate Cruise Ship? Yes. Hands down. There's an audition and it's hard to get a job there? Still yes. Hands down. Just put my name down. So, a group of six of us went and got to hang out on an actual pirate ship and ride on a 3-hour cruise ride. 

       The cruise is essentially a "booze cruise," where the parents drink alcoholic beverages and the employees entertain the kids with a treasure hunt, stories, musical chairs, water pistol fight, and dance party. We had SO much fun, and I got more and more excited for the possibility of working there. I honestly thought that I nailed the "audition" (they really just watched how we interacted with people/kids). The next morning I still hadn't heard anything, and four of the six of us had received texts/had phone conversations with Pirate Pam to discuss their employment and confirming their jobs. I hadn't heard anything. I waited for most of the day until about 1pm, and then I called them. I still didn't receive a definitive answer for another 45 minutes, but then received a text notifying me that they had filled all of the positions they needed for the summer.

        Honestly, I was crushed. I didn't really expect for that to happen. Sure, I knew that it was a possibility that I wouldn't get the job, but I never really considered what I'd do if I didn't get the job. Well, I cried a lot. Processed a lot. Prayed a lot. Read a lot of Scripture. Even at that point, only a couple of days into the Summer Mission, there were at least four different people that called/texted/came in to check on me to see how they might be able to serve me/love me well. It made me think of  Francesca Battistelli's song, "Hands of God."

      I still don't have a job, but I'm not discouraged. I'm tempted to be yes, but I'm not. The reality is that God knows exactly where I am, what I need, and how to provide it best, and He is/will continue to.  I'm excited to see how the Lord grows me,and my beautiful brothers and sisters here. There may be more posts to come, but if there aren't many, know that it's because the Summer Mission keeps me so busy with living life down here and furthering the Kingdom that I don't really have time to sit down and write about it. We'll see what happens with that!

Grace and peace be with you,

Alice

Surprise! I Switched Majors!

          For my first two and a half years of college, I was an elementary education major. Before I get much further, let me assure you that I still very much love working with elementary-aged students, and State's program for elementary education is probably one of the best that there is. In State's program, there's this switch that happens from spring semester sophomore year to the following fall semester where elementary ed students go from being simply students to pre-service teachers. Where most college students are expected to be students and students only, elementary education majors are students and teachers. Last semester I had several methods courses in how to teach math, science, and reading for grades K-2, and in addition to readings and projects, I was in a classroom at least once a week working with students and building relationships with them. I loved being with the kids and getting to see what the teachers do behind-the-scenes. I enjoyed being able to lead the kids in various instruction time and assisting my mentor teacher with lessons. I've been told by many that I would be a wonderful elementary school teacher. But I do not want to be an elementary school teacher. 

          All throughout high school when asked the standard, "So, what are you doing after you graduate?" I had a memorized spiel that I would spit out. "I'm going to get my undergrad degree from NC State in Elementary Education, and then I'm going to use that as a foundation to share the Gospel with people in closed countries. After that I'll probably go to Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, but of course if God wants me to something else that's where I'll be." Throughout last semester, God showed me that I really only ever meant, "God, after I get my nice, safe, secure undergrad degree, then I'll go wherever you want me to." Newsflash: I don't get to decide when God moves in my life. It isn't even my life to begin with! God breathed life into me AND bought my life with His own. Whenever I'd find that I had a lack of motivation to be an elementary school teacher, I'd console myself with the same little spiel that I told everyone upon graduating high school. I tried to scrounge up every ounce of motivation and passion that I could to make it through the program and stay on track with my plan, but especially last semester, I had little to none left. The only reasons that I was staying in elementary ed last semester were for security, and because I knew that there is a great need for strong, compassionate teachers. I saw a hole, and I tried to fill it. When it seemed like I wouldn't fit, I tried to force myself to fill that need. Again, I was living under the impression that I have the power to control God's plan for my life. I never would have said that, but that's what my life reflected. 

             Last semester I had the opportunity to help lead a weekend retreat with the youth group of Providence Baptist Church, where I am a member/co-lead 6th grade girls' bible study.  The whole weekend was dealing with generosity and being open-handed with what the Lord has given us. Bryan, the student director, gave an analogy that the Lord used to give me a bit of a wake-up call. The analogy basically said that being consumed with your own plans for your life and trying to build your own kingdom and ensure your own success is like taking a kid to the beach, filling up a kiddie pool, and the kid being so into the kiddie pool that they don't even notice the ocean. 

             So, right before Christmas break I officially switched majors to Education General Studies. All of my previous credits transferred, I'm still going to graduate on time, and I have the opportunity to add a minor without adding any extra hours! The Education GS degree means really whatever I want it to mean. I have the freedom to tailor my schedule to whatever best fits "my career path." Seeing as I have a very minimal idea as to what the Lord will have me do after I graduate college, should He provide that I graduate from NC State, that leaves "my career path" wide open. I strongly feel that I am going to be working in some form or fashion in a full-time ministry position. I also strongly feel that that will be with youth to some capacity, but that's all I got. Since State doesn't have ministry-training classes, I've been taking nonprofit studies classes. Many ministries are also nonprofit organizations, so that 's where that comes in. 

              If you were to ask me what I'm doing after I graduate college, I can suggest working somewhere with youth, maybe on staff with a church, or for a nonprofit organization/ministry, but the reality is that I have no idea. None. There you have it folks. God is still good. His love is still steadfast. Jesus is still my Savior and has new mercies for me. I still haven't exhausted His grace, and He's still using me to accomplish His glorious purposes in furthering His kingdom. 

Grace and peace be with you,

Alice