About this time last year, I was already considering what I would be doing over the summer. Having had many friends that had gone on a Summer Project, a summer-long mission trip involving intensive discipleship and evangelism training, I initially had that as an option in the back of my mind. I was determined though, that regardless of what my time was spent doing, that I wouldn't be spending summer at home. I knew I would be travelling around either overseas or maybe even somewhere around the states. You see, ever since I went to Greece for a week in 2011, I wanted to continue to travel everywhere as often as possible--anything to get away from my little bubble that I was used to seeing all of the time.
Come October, I had narrowed down my potential summer options to two possibilities: I would either go on a trip with TeachOverseas, a Christian organization that takes teachers into closed countries to teach English and share the Gospel, or to be on staff with StudentLife, an organization that works with youth primarily through week-long camps where they come and learn more about God, His love, and His Word. I mean, they were both perfect because one option would involve working with children in Europe, and the other would involve travelling all of over America with a team of people putting on high-energy camps for thousands of students. I really only thought of TeachOverseas as a possibility because I didn't think I could ever be accepted to be on staff with StudentLife. I had it in my head that I wasn't "cool enough" or "faithful enough." There came a point where, as I talked with some friends that were former SL staffers that I began to recognize that I could be used to serve. The Lord opened my eyes to see that it wouldn't be anything of myself that would be of benefit to anyone. The thought of serving with SL was incredibly exciting to me, but also kind of terrifying. As I was considering the possibility of serving with SL, it was time for me to make some sort of commitment to serving with TeachOverseas.
In my mind, serving with TeachOverseas was the more important option because it meant that I would be serving within an area of the world where less than 1% of the country's population had even heard the Gospel of Christ Jesus. I had this idea that SL was really the more fun option, and that it wasn't as pressing of a need because the kids I'd be serving lived in America, where there are churches on every other street corner in many of our states.
Long story short, I did not commit to TeachOverseas for the summer of 2014, and went through the application process with StudentLife. Through the process, the Lord taught me a lot about Himself, and showed me more and more that I cannot do anything apart from His Holy Spirit working in and through me. Through a leg of a journey of healing from a Generalized Anxiety Disorder, as well as what felt like a wild goose chase of trying to lead well in my community at school with Cru, the Lord my God broke me in ways I hadn't been broken, and pruned me that I would bear more fruit, and be refined to look more like my Savior.
Around late February, early March, it came to a point where I would be hearing back about a position with StudentLife. After several weeks of anxiously and semi-patiently waiting, I finally saw an email from them. As I opened and saw the words, "We never enjoy sending these letters," something inside me just kind of paused. It felt like everything just silenced. I had to close the email to stop reading it over and over again. I was devastated. I always had it in the back of my head, and had prayed about it, and God enabled me to recognize that this was not an accident, and that He had a plan in all of this, but I was still very disappointed and saddened. Though I had the understanding that God was still in control, I was confused, because I just knew that I was meant to spend the summer working with StudentLife.
Fast forward a month and some change, and I'm at an interest meeting at Providence where my eyes are opened to a need for young adults to come and serve with the youth ministry. Sharing a few ideas from my internship experience working with a youth group is encouraging to the Youth Pastor, and I begin to see the summer as a past behind me. This must be what I'm doing with my summer! I would be working with the youth at Providence, forming great friendships and getting to know them and sharing all of my wonderful ideas with how to improve the youth ministry and how to make it more fun for the kids (foreshadowing of the pride issue that was to be convicting).
A few weeks later, I had plans to be chaperoning a couple of the trips with Providence's youth, and had already moved home for the summer. This would be my productive summer: I'd work my on-campus job and help pay off more of my loans, and I'd get to know the youth better. Enter my mother. As we do in my family, we had a family sit-down. My mom would be having major surgery in a month, and it would be 4 to 6 weeks for her full recovery. It would take everyone in the house working together for everything to go smoothly, and to ensure the best recovery possible for her. The weeks where the Providence youth would be going to camp and such were the first couple of weeks after my mom's said surgery. I confess that I was confused and disappointed, but honestly I was angry and frustrated. How could she expect me to cancel a previous commitment? They needed me (yeah...they needed me) to chaperone! Well, I called those in charge of the trips, pride stirring, and informed them what had happened. My heart began to fall as they urged me not to worry about it, and that they well understood how I'd want to take care of my mom and be there for my family. Something as significant as having major surgery, and all I could think about was my summer plans being foiled.
Praise be to our great God that He loves and uses us in spite of ourselves! He softened my pride-hardened heart, and kept me from being too concerned with myself to be there for my family and especially my mother. Before I continue, let me share that my mom has well recovered from what was a successful surgery. Thanks be to God for healing her at a pace that even the doctors were surprised at (naturally--God doesn't have to stick to the expected recovery time).
Throughout Scripture we are commanded to rejoice, not to worry or be anxious about anything, and even to simply be still and know that He is God. More often than not I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off, going and going until I can't go anymore. Sometimes, God gives us "be still appointments." He strips away everything else that we thought we had to do, and says, "Now, sit still, listen--I have something to say to you." This summer was kind of like a really long be still appointment for me. He cleared my schedule so that I could spend a lot of time in prayer, worship, and His Word. He taught me a lot through John Piper's writings, particularly a couple of books. I was blessed to be able to be mentored by Piper through what God has done in and through him. God taught me a lot about Himself and how to run with endurance the race that is set before me, looking to Jesus as the founder and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God (Hebrews 12:1-2).
One of the many things that the Lord taught me this summer is the truth of what Piper calls Christian Hedonism. It sums up to this: God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. This concept is both liberating and troubling. It is liberating because it means that our glorifying God is ultimately our full satisfaction. It frees us to true pleasure and joy. It is troubling though, because I do not desire God all of the time. I am not always satisfied in Him, and quite frankly, I generally do not find myself rejoicing in Him and delighting in who He is and what He's done for me. True joy is a gift, and it is not something that I am able to produce on my own. Yet, if I do not have joy I am lost, and will give in to the temporary pleasures of the world that lead to death. An even more pressing problem is that I battle potentially severe anxiety every day. How do I stand a chance at all?
The beautiful truth that His grace is sufficient for me, and that His strength is made perfect when I am weak silences the worried murmurs that my soul makes. It is never up to my strength. In the words of the hymn Salvation Unto Us Has Come,
It is a false misleading dream
that God His Law had given
so sinners could themselves redeem
and by their works gain Heaven.
Through Piper's book, When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy, God showed me that I am called to fight for joy with the tools He has given me. It is no small thing to pray, nor is it futile to recognize an utter depravity and incapability of anything good apart from Jesus. By the power of Jesus' death and resurrection on the cross, I am able to say, "Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me. I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against him, until he pleads my cause and executes judgment for me. He will bring me out to the light; I shall look upon his vindication." (Micah 7:8-9). Piper's book is drenched in biblical truth, so I'll use his words:
"Nothing is more foundational for the joy of undeserving people than the cross of Jesus Christ. The fight for joy is a fight to grasp and marvel at what happened in the death of Christ--what it reveals about our suffering Savior.....We are on a doomed Titanic because of our sin--all of us without exception...The sinful ship of our lives is headed for everlasting ruin....Without a Savior, that's the reality we must keep out of our minds in order to be happy on the Titanic of this world. But we are not without a Savior. Jesus Christ has come. And he is a great Savior. Every need we have, he supplies. And his death on the cross is the price that purchases every gift that leads to deep and lasting joy" (72-73).
There is much much more to tell--many more wondrous works to recall in praise of the Lord, but I'll write about them when the words come. I pray that God shows you more of Himself and His goodness, and that His works in my life cause you to praise Him more.
