The Death of a Former Friend

I know that this isn't my usual post, but I want to share it with whoever chooses to read it. Feel free to comment--I'd be happy to engage in conversation about it. If you'd like a copy of this poem, let me know, and I'll email it to you. With that, here it is:

The Death of a Former Friend

People are waking up from their comatic state;

They’re tired of the rules that you called faith. 

They got tired of waiting to see the Son—you know the One— 

that you covered up with clouds, and your pretty prayers and phrases. 

Why should they praise Him when they don’t know what His name is? 

You made Him more “accessible,” or so you made it seem,

 but you forgot the grace of God is more than we can dream. 

He spoke into reality the waters of the deep, 

and knows the name of each and every distant galaxy. 

You saw His eyes were blazing when He beckoned you to follow,

 but you watered it down, passed it around, and made the people hollow. 

The formerly faithful faded away for something more exciting; 

That’s what happens when you try to make God a little more “enticing.” 

You taught your flock to cover up the holes in their holiness, 

but all you did was hide His joy and made the people restless.

 I’d say that I would miss you, but for the sake of all humanity

 I’m praising God with all my heart, 

 for the death of cultural Christianity.

Settling into Clearwater

       As of this blog post, I've been down here in Clearwater Beach, Florida for a little less than two weeks. It doesn't feel like that though. People say that all the time, but two weeks ago I only knew some of the staff people and one student. Today, I could name any of the 46 other students and look on them as my brothers and sisters. That's a beautiful aspect of living in community with the Church. We might have some things in common, but the most important commonality among us is that we're all broken sinners that have been redeemed and are being sanctified by and for our Lord Jesus Christ.

       When I was preparing for this summer, and for the first couple of days being down here I assumed that I would be working on a pirate ship for the summer. That job was actually a huge part of my initial excitement for and consideration of attending this summer mission. Day three, we were all together in our Morning Meeting, and were establishing who'd be going out to try and get a job at where.  I didn't even consider any of the other locations. Pam's Pirate Cruise Ship? Yes. Hands down. There's an audition and it's hard to get a job there? Still yes. Hands down. Just put my name down. So, a group of six of us went and got to hang out on an actual pirate ship and ride on a 3-hour cruise ride. 

       The cruise is essentially a "booze cruise," where the parents drink alcoholic beverages and the employees entertain the kids with a treasure hunt, stories, musical chairs, water pistol fight, and dance party. We had SO much fun, and I got more and more excited for the possibility of working there. I honestly thought that I nailed the "audition" (they really just watched how we interacted with people/kids). The next morning I still hadn't heard anything, and four of the six of us had received texts/had phone conversations with Pirate Pam to discuss their employment and confirming their jobs. I hadn't heard anything. I waited for most of the day until about 1pm, and then I called them. I still didn't receive a definitive answer for another 45 minutes, but then received a text notifying me that they had filled all of the positions they needed for the summer.

        Honestly, I was crushed. I didn't really expect for that to happen. Sure, I knew that it was a possibility that I wouldn't get the job, but I never really considered what I'd do if I didn't get the job. Well, I cried a lot. Processed a lot. Prayed a lot. Read a lot of Scripture. Even at that point, only a couple of days into the Summer Mission, there were at least four different people that called/texted/came in to check on me to see how they might be able to serve me/love me well. It made me think of  Francesca Battistelli's song, "Hands of God."

      I still don't have a job, but I'm not discouraged. I'm tempted to be yes, but I'm not. The reality is that God knows exactly where I am, what I need, and how to provide it best, and He is/will continue to.  I'm excited to see how the Lord grows me,and my beautiful brothers and sisters here. There may be more posts to come, but if there aren't many, know that it's because the Summer Mission keeps me so busy with living life down here and furthering the Kingdom that I don't really have time to sit down and write about it. We'll see what happens with that!

Grace and peace be with you,

Alice

Surprise! I Switched Majors!

          For my first two and a half years of college, I was an elementary education major. Before I get much further, let me assure you that I still very much love working with elementary-aged students, and State's program for elementary education is probably one of the best that there is. In State's program, there's this switch that happens from spring semester sophomore year to the following fall semester where elementary ed students go from being simply students to pre-service teachers. Where most college students are expected to be students and students only, elementary education majors are students and teachers. Last semester I had several methods courses in how to teach math, science, and reading for grades K-2, and in addition to readings and projects, I was in a classroom at least once a week working with students and building relationships with them. I loved being with the kids and getting to see what the teachers do behind-the-scenes. I enjoyed being able to lead the kids in various instruction time and assisting my mentor teacher with lessons. I've been told by many that I would be a wonderful elementary school teacher. But I do not want to be an elementary school teacher. 

          All throughout high school when asked the standard, "So, what are you doing after you graduate?" I had a memorized spiel that I would spit out. "I'm going to get my undergrad degree from NC State in Elementary Education, and then I'm going to use that as a foundation to share the Gospel with people in closed countries. After that I'll probably go to Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, but of course if God wants me to something else that's where I'll be." Throughout last semester, God showed me that I really only ever meant, "God, after I get my nice, safe, secure undergrad degree, then I'll go wherever you want me to." Newsflash: I don't get to decide when God moves in my life. It isn't even my life to begin with! God breathed life into me AND bought my life with His own. Whenever I'd find that I had a lack of motivation to be an elementary school teacher, I'd console myself with the same little spiel that I told everyone upon graduating high school. I tried to scrounge up every ounce of motivation and passion that I could to make it through the program and stay on track with my plan, but especially last semester, I had little to none left. The only reasons that I was staying in elementary ed last semester were for security, and because I knew that there is a great need for strong, compassionate teachers. I saw a hole, and I tried to fill it. When it seemed like I wouldn't fit, I tried to force myself to fill that need. Again, I was living under the impression that I have the power to control God's plan for my life. I never would have said that, but that's what my life reflected. 

             Last semester I had the opportunity to help lead a weekend retreat with the youth group of Providence Baptist Church, where I am a member/co-lead 6th grade girls' bible study.  The whole weekend was dealing with generosity and being open-handed with what the Lord has given us. Bryan, the student director, gave an analogy that the Lord used to give me a bit of a wake-up call. The analogy basically said that being consumed with your own plans for your life and trying to build your own kingdom and ensure your own success is like taking a kid to the beach, filling up a kiddie pool, and the kid being so into the kiddie pool that they don't even notice the ocean. 

             So, right before Christmas break I officially switched majors to Education General Studies. All of my previous credits transferred, I'm still going to graduate on time, and I have the opportunity to add a minor without adding any extra hours! The Education GS degree means really whatever I want it to mean. I have the freedom to tailor my schedule to whatever best fits "my career path." Seeing as I have a very minimal idea as to what the Lord will have me do after I graduate college, should He provide that I graduate from NC State, that leaves "my career path" wide open. I strongly feel that I am going to be working in some form or fashion in a full-time ministry position. I also strongly feel that that will be with youth to some capacity, but that's all I got. Since State doesn't have ministry-training classes, I've been taking nonprofit studies classes. Many ministries are also nonprofit organizations, so that 's where that comes in. 

              If you were to ask me what I'm doing after I graduate college, I can suggest working somewhere with youth, maybe on staff with a church, or for a nonprofit organization/ministry, but the reality is that I have no idea. None. There you have it folks. God is still good. His love is still steadfast. Jesus is still my Savior and has new mercies for me. I still haven't exhausted His grace, and He's still using me to accomplish His glorious purposes in furthering His kingdom. 

Grace and peace be with you,

Alice 

            

The Summer

God isn't surprised when I fail. I feel like I need to write that a bajillion times on a chalkboard somewhere until it gets through my head. I love to be in control, and I love to be pitied. But I still want people to think that I am strong, and that I am exceptionally spiritually mature. I am neither strong or "exceptionally spiritually mature." I'm just not. His power is made perfect in my weakness, and His grace is sufficient for me. Much to my own dismay, self-control is a fruit of the spirit, which means that it is something that is given to me. Any power I have over my sinfulness is God Himself working in me. I can't do any of it on my own, no matter how much I plan, how hard I try, or how much I beat myself up for falling short of the expectations I place on myself. 

Thanks be to God almighty who has new mercies for me everyday, and whose love for me is unconditional. Praise be to the Lord of lords who hems me in behind and before, who has given me good hope through grace, and grants me peace that surpasses all understanding. Oh for my heart to rejoice that this is God's will for me in Christ Jesus!

Much has happened since last summer. I really didn't think too much about this summer until about a month ago. I didn't feel particularly called anywhere except possibly a Disney World summer project. Called to Disney World? Yeah, right. No, really. People go to Disney World thinking that that's it--that's where ultimate happiness is. I mean, the place advertises itself as "the happiest place on earth." 

Also, I've lost count of how many people in random situations have specifically noticed my love for Disney and/or asked me if I'd be a Disney Princess. So I applied for Disney World summer project, which would involve living in Orlando for the summer, and working in one of the gift shops or something at Disney World. I'd be trained in evangelism and discipleship, and build relationships with my co-workers as well as share the gospel with the people down there. 

Part of the application process involves the opportunity to pick a second and third project location choice in case you don't get your first choice. NC State's Cru has two trips that most everyone goes on: Clearwater, Florida and Santa Cruz, California. Since I'd heard so much about those trips and knew I'd be with staff people from State, I put Clearwater and Santa Cruz as my second and third choices, because it seemed like the right thing to do. Well, by the time I actually got around to finishing my application and both of my references were finished, the Disney summer project was full. So, my application was transferred over to Clearwater, because that's what I put as my second choice. I soon got a phone call from one of the directors who also happens to be one of the staff women here at NC State. She's kind of like my great-great-great spiritual grandma. NOT by age, but by discipleship relationship. Before I continue about Clearwater, lemme break down this spiritual family tree thing.

I am in a women's small group bible study. I've been in the same study since freshman year (I am now a junior for those that don't know). My two bible study leaders, Nicole and Teresa, are my "moms." The women that led the bible studies that they were in themselves are my "grandmas." If you go back a few years, really not too many, you get to the beloved Cam, who is the director that I spoke too. 

So, she talked with me for a bit, and officially accepted me to the project. Even as I'm typing this it doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem real to me that I'm trusting God to raise about $3500 in support for me to go spend 10 weeks in Clearwater Beach, Florida. It doesn't seem real that I'm going to spend that 10 weeks with several people that I've never met before, and that on the second day of meeting them I'll have told several my entire life story. It doesn't seem real that I'll be working (hopefully) as a pirate on a ship dressed up, singing pirate songs and doing pirate dances. It doesn't seem real that even though I don't have a particular excitement about going to Clearwater, and that God is still opening this door and calling me to it. It doesn't seem real that I'll be on mission to share the gospel of Christ Jesus with people for the entire summer. The longest trip I've been on is one week. Just one. Not ten. I'll be in Florida for ten weeks. I have no idea what the Lord is going to do with me. All I can do is be faithful with what He's given me, which right now involves raising support to go to Clearwater, and seeking His guidance as I go through that process and prepare my heart, or rather, ask Him to prepare my heart. 

If anything good comes from the next couple months or from the 10 weeks in Florida, let me be the first to tell you that it isn't ANYTHING that I made happen. All I have is Christ. I wold be nothing apart from the grace that He gives me everyday. All I can boast is that I have a whole lotta weakness, which means that God's power will be perfected in all of my weaknesses, bringing glory to His name. That's about all I've got for now. 

Maybe another blog post will be coming soon. Oh, if you'd like to help me raise support, you can go here to give: Alice in Clearwater

In grace,

Alice